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My fucket list — a bucket list of 23 things to never do

My list of things that I will never ever try.

Jerry Silfwer: Examples of Swedish idioms in English.

A fucket list is the opposite of a bucket list.

According to Urban Dictionary, it could also be spelled fuckit list and can also refer to a list of people to have sexual intercourse with before you die.

This is not such a fucket list.

A fucket list, in the most common interpretation, is a list of all the things you don’t want to do before you die.

The rules of a fucket list are simple:

It must be something you don’t want to do, like ever.

It must be something that seems to be fun, interesting, or rewarding to other people.

And it’s okay if you express your fucket list in a passive-aggressive manner (that’s my rule).

Here goes:

My fucket list of things to never do — ever

Fucket list - just say no
Photo by Photoholgic on Unsplash.

1. Jump out of a fully functional airplane

Because I don’t suffer from dopamine deficiency.

As an introvert, I prefer to throw myself into the abyss of literature or something pretentious like that.

2. Buy expensive stuff just to show off

Stuff just wear you down and then they end up owning you instead.

I think that we all should improve our skills and increase our knowledge instead. Competence is way more impressive than money (at least it should be).

3. ”Fit in”

People who work hard to fit in rubs me the wrong way.

I prefer to walk the road less traveled and not care what anyone thinks about it. Plus, odd people are more interesting.

4. Run a marathon

There must be healthier ways to get likes on Facebook.

Plus, I hear that it’s not super-healthy to run marathons. It just can’t be good to put your body under that type of stress.

5. Climb a mountain

I can’t imagine what type of business I would have up on the top of a mountain.

I love landscape photography, but if it requires climbing gear and you can’t get the shot with a drone, I’m out.

6. Auto-erotic asphyxiation

Sex is just good as it is, but a few experiments here and there is reasonable.

But brains need oxygen, right? Please tell me if I’m missing something here.

7. Geocaching

I’m geeky, but not that geeky.

I did actually play Pokemon for a short while; that should be enough of running around for no sensible reason whatsoever.

8. Join the Mile High Club

This just in: It’s not sexy to have intercourse where strangers defecate.

2020 update: If possible, Covid-19 just made public bathrooms even less sexy.

9. Go backpacking across Europe

I like fancy hotels. I mean: What’s not to like?

I never saw the romantic appeal of traversing across countries like a homeless person. Or worse — like a woke millennial looking to establish some sort of social media persona.

10. Bungee jumping

“I get my kicks from reading books,” said the introvert. Well, that’s because it’s true.

Now, I’m sure bungee jumping is thrilling and comes with some sense of accomplishment, but there are other, more productive, ways to get out of your comfort zone.

11. Ask for a celebrity autograph

I honestly wouldn’t know what to actually do with a celebrity autograph.

I can appreciate another person’s work without having like “a lock of their hair” or something like that. It’s creepy.

12. Respect religious authority

I’m an atheist in a world full of superstitions belief. But I do think that I have the right to question nonsense.

Because, you know, science. People can believe whatever they want, but they shouldn’t be let alone to preach it without being questioned.

13. Swim with sharks

I feel no desire to swim with sharks. I love them, I know they’re peaceful animals, and that you can swim with them safely during the right conditions.

It’s just this: They keep out of my living room, so it makes sense for me to stay out of theirs.

14. See a psychic for answers

Some see psychics for answers, some for excitement, others for a laugh.

Well, I just can’t see myself supporting such nonsense.

15. Be a toastmaster

I’m an okay public speaker and I have no problem getting up in front of an audience (I do it all the time ).

Still, there’s something about ceremonial duties that just rubs me the wrong way. I can’t even ding with a fork in a glass without feeling overwhelmingly cringe.

16. Play golf

My temper could never handle golf. I’m not proud of it, but I would literally wreak havoc on expensive equipment all the time.

I’m calm as a cucumber in life, but I’m a hothead when it comes to competition. So, I prefer sports over games.

17. Run for a political office

There’s something about political discourse that would be difficult for me to handle. I’m more of an introvert provocateur with a slight elitist streak — not the greatest combination for public office.

I’d love to run someone’s campaign, though.

18. Get easily offended

I don’t want to belong to that group of people who gets offended by each and every little detail — even on behalf of others.

I prefer a society where we talk about things that aren’t always comfortable and if you want participate, you must be prepared to listen to ideas that conflicts with yours.

19. Learn about wine

I don’t drink alcohol these days, but wine is okay, I guess. I just don’t want to belong to a group of people who “know wine”.

I admit that I find most wine aficionados to a bit pretentious, even though I know that to be a generalisation.

20. Join a cult

The only organisation where it makes sense to follow orders without questioning them is the military, so any type of cult is out of the question for me.

Also — I’m just not a very good follower.

21. Visit a circus

Running a circus is just such a passé idea.

And animals just shouldn’t be living like that — and be made to perform on top. They’ll get no money from me, ever.

22. Aspire to be TikTok famous

Because, you know, being famous on TikTok isn’t really being famous at all.

23. Keep up with the Kardashians

The Kardashian family is a media phenomenon. And as a PR professional, I should be interested in media phenomenons, shouldn’t I?

Well, I just can’t bring myself to manifest such an interest. it’s just not possible.

Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash.

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Jerry Silfwer
Jerry Silfwer aka Doctor Spin is an awarded senior adviser specialising in public relations and digital strategy. Based in Stockholm, Sweden.

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